I am now heavier than when I started. I know exactly why and I am kicking myself for it. I’m pissed off at myself, and I am going to the gym. Arse biscuits. Arse biscuits to the lot of it. Fuck my body, fuck my brain and double fuck my will power and motivation.
Ugh. I’ve gained a pound, even more of my pants don’t fit, and I hate myself. That’s my update. I don’t want to take pictures or anything. Starting weight: 179, current: 180.
So this was a weird week. Back in February, after I’d first signed up for Dechox and got some donations, I had an email from the British Heart Foundation asking if I’d be happy to chat with someone on the phone about why I was doing this whole thing. I said yes and ended up speaking to a lady a couple of weeks ago. She mentioned casually that it would go in an article for my local paper, which was horrifying news for an introvert like me, but since this is a cause I really believe in, I okayed it. She wrote up the article, I approved it, and then she asked me for a photo of myself. I said no and sent her a photo of my dad instead. She said the local paper wouldn’t run it without a photo of me, and that’s how I ended up with a photographer in my kitchen last Friday making me pose with Kit Kats.
The article ran this Monday, and as a result I had a huge upsurge in donations! I’ve now tripled my original fundraising target which is just amazing, and totally worth having a strange man take photos of me.
In terms of how the actual Dechox is going, this week has been harder. I’ve really wanted something sweet to snack on, and I really don’t like other sweet stuff. I’ve had dried fruit in yogurt at work, which is fine, but when the evenings hit and I’m writing, I really miss my chocolate now. It’s pure habit – I write, I snack. My particularly favourite is cranberries coated in dark chocolate and I can’t really find a suitable substitute for that. I’m trying very hard not to simply swap out chocolate for something equally unhealthy, so I’ve been eating a lot of natural live yogurt, which I do like, but, come on. It’s obviously not the same. I’ve even resorted to those super syrupy, creamy, ridiculous lattes Starbucks do, and I don’t even like coffee. But add enough cream and salted toffee syrup in, and they’re tolerable. I can only stand about one a week, so it’s not that bad, but it’s weird how even a drink that I don’t actually like is starting to seem appealing just to get that sweet fix. And clearly it’s not the coffee itself I’m enjoying, but the Starbucks staff won’t just give me a cup of whipped cream and salted toffee syrup, the bastards.
The good news is, there’s less than two weeks to go, and I’ve shattered my own expectations and hopes for fundraising, so it still feels worth it. I think as the end of March approaches, it’ll probably feel like more and more of a struggle, but then part of the reason I chose to do this was because it would be a genuine challenge. So, onwards, I guess…
Despite my rage at myself and the world right now, massive congratulations to Naomi who is doing really well and is still going strong!