June 2017: The Neverending Story of an Ongoing Fuckup

I can’t believe it’s June already. I thought the years were supposed to be getting astrologically longer, not zipping past at this rate? Is this what ageing is? Ignoring most of time passing because it’s isn’t new and shiny enough? SO I need to start practising mindfulness and concentrating on every little thing to squeeze as much life and joy out of it?

It sounds Exhausting, but fine. Lets get to it, shall we?

Weight Loss & Health – Aha. Ahaha. AHAHAHAHAHA! Oh this month has been terrible. Truly. I am heavier than when I started, I managed the gym once because I now have a trapped nerve and that shit is stupidly painful, and there’s a lot of stuff going on that is eating away at my time. On the plus side, I have been cooking more, and since we’ve pretty much cut out all meat other than chicken, I do find myself snacking more on vegetables and whatnot. I have a lovely row of dried beans, pulses and grains happily sitting on my kitchen shelf now so I have plans for a lot of veg-based chillies, some hummus and other more vegetarian based dishes. Probably going to be adding a lot of spices to that too, since everything is tasting bland and boring at the minute.

Writing – I am no further along with Cassie. Actually, I think I’ve gone backwards. The plot points I thought I’d worked out are sticking again and I reckon it’s just because I DO NOT want to write this version of the story. I’m much more interested in Cassie chasing a meth head with a Lucky Rabbit’s Foot than I am about her infiltrating a student house to find a cursed brooch. Besides, neither of those things are the main plot that I want to write. Maybe I’m trying to cram too much in? I know that’s a problem I have.

On the plus side, I did pick up the Ray Bradbury challenge, and since one of the objectives is to write a short story per week (see week 1 and week 2) it’s forcing me to streamline the process, forget tangents and just bash it out. It’s working out at the minute as 3 days thinking about prompt, 1 day writing, 1 day edit, read through, edit and publish. I’m not expecting them to be masterpieces. More the opposite actually- I expect them to be utter dross and then hopefully start showing some sign of improvement as the weeks go by. Thing is, since my expectations are so low, I’m actually having more fun writing them because there’s no pressure to pack value into them, or have them publishing house ready. It also means I’m flexing my writing muscles while I’m struggling over my latest project.

Work –  Not much to say about this one. I have a couple of ongoing jobs that fill some of my hours but other than that, meh.

Home – I am too angry over recent events to get into this one. Let’s just leave it for a while, shall we? That said, there is one caveat. I need a break. Nothing major, but getting out of the house would be a good start so, weather permitting, I’m hoping that at least one day a week, I can get out of the house and go for a really long walk. I’ll take a notebook and pen so I can write down any thoughts or sketch out anything interesting, and I should definitely take a mini picnic or something, just so I don’t have to cut the time short. I think it’ll help me physical and mental health wise.

It’s that time of the month again!

So for April and May I did a tarot reading for the overall direction of the month, just for funsies. This month is no different. A one card draw just to see what my subconscious is plotting away at.

The Question: What’s the general direction this month will take and what should I keep my eye on?

The Card: The Hanged Man.

Key Words: Reversal of values/attitudes, Patience, Surrender/Sacrifice, deepening of experience, peace, independence,

My Interpretation: Actually, this is the perfect card. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things recently regarding life, the things I care about, my priorities and how I interact with other people and there are a few conclusions I’m coming to that are comforting, confusing and sometimes a little worrying. Until I’ve worked through all thoe thoughts though, I’m going to concentrate on a few other things.

Patience, for one. This is something I’ve been having a lot of trouble with the last few years. Part of my subtle and ongoing existential crisis is the idea that my life is going to end so I need to do everything NOW. I need to have written 20 books now, I need to be 120lbs now, I need to be monetarily well off now. In a way, I need to give up fighting that notion and “surrender” myself to the idea that yes, I am going to die, and yes, it might be tomorrow, but at the same time I need to believe I’ve got another fifty or so years to get shit done so I need to chill the fuck out a little.

If I really sit and think about it (which I am loathe to do because hello anxiety) I am wasting the little time I have focusing on other people’s problems. My trouble is that I place no value in myself, so I allow myself to be used more often than not. That’s changed a little over the years, but this year has felt like there has been or is going to be a massive shake up. I’ve been let down and disappointed by people I thought better of, and that’s toughened me up a little.

The overall message of this, I think, is to CHILL THE FUCK OUT but also to have patience with myself and my projects. Steady progress is better than bursts followed by nothing. I should also consider the value I do have. I’m not the best at anything, and I never will be. That’s okay because I’m not the worst either and I do have a lot of skills that can be put to use so I should put value in them. In effect I need to reverse my attitude regarding myself, stop letting people take the piss, and start working towards my own goals rather than being side-tracked by other people.



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