Accountable August, huh.
Well, I suppose I should considering last month I didn’t keep track of my accountability at all. Nor did I set myself any goals, and boy does it show. I got nothing of worth done all month.
Okay, I got four short stories written, but they’re part of a challenge so they don’t count.
So what are my plans for August. Well, first and foremost, less social media. It’s fucking exhausting with the constant politics, fighting, and whining (but that is another very long rant for another blog at another time) so I’m limiting my time on all of that. My own health is more important to me than what the latest scandal is so I’m being unapologetically selfish about it, and fucksticks to anyone that has an issue with me for being so.
And with that out of my system, onto the proper stuff:
Right, well, if you’ve seen my twitter feed over the last few months you’ll have seen a theme in how much of a love/hate relationship I’ve been having with the first Cassie Winters book. That book has now been scrapped. We’re leaving cold New York in Cassie’s past where it belongs. Instead her present (and the action of the story) is set in sunny, warm Italy. At least to start with. You can tell I’m serious about this book from the plotting I’ve already done. Also I really like using a white board. When I start writing Hallow it’s going to look like a policeman’s evidence/case board.
I’d usually have a couple of other projects on the go, but this book and these characters are the bane of my life at the moment. I’m purging my mind of them so I can finally get back to Cherry and Hallow.
All that to say I’ll be working on the new Cassie Winters story, and publishing my usual challenge short stories to my website as usual.
I have a couple of projects going at the minute. Mostly, however, I need to wait a bit for some moulding and casting stuff to be delivered before I can carry on. I plan to keep sketching and practising though, working on a few concepts- some for book related work, others more for animation ideas I have for a cartoon show.
I’m prioritising at the moment, so podcast related stuff is on the back burner until I can afford some better recording equipment and there aren’t people fighting outside every time I try to record. Much as I want to do SlendFRO from the get go, I think I need to do something that isn’t quite as grand in scope to start with. Also, I’m ripping out the wardrobe so I can turn it into a soundproof room.
I also want to get back into cosmetic/soap making, but again, that’s a time/space/money issue to replace my stock of ingredients. I am, however, having fun dipping candles. It’s quite therapeutic.
I’m getting back into going to the gym. For three months I’ve been really bad about it, but I’m not getting any younger and even though I’ve accepted I’ll never be super-model skinny, I’d like to be thin and healthy enough to live past 35. I’ve always been big, but now my body feels wrong and decrepit. I don’t like it. Time to do something about it.
Theme for the Month
It’s that time again- my tarot card of the month. This one fell out of the deck while I was shuffling. Obviously there’s a message trying its damnedest to be heard so who am I to question it?
Keywords: Clearing the old, Making way for the new, Transformation, Initiation, Intense Passion, Avoidance or Fear, Weariness, Stagnation, Pessimism, Depression
I love this card. I love everything about it. Transformation- moving from one state to another. I’ve been stuck in a rut for a long time and only recently begun feeling like things are shifting. My mental health has been incredibly low, my physical health worsening, so this card and all its symbology is quite prescient.
My main take away from this is that it’s time for me to stop being a wimp. I need to embrace my creativity (the cauldron) since that’s where I am truly happy, and let go of the clutter holding me back (skull).
So that’s that. Stop worrying, embrace the changes and evolution of self and circumstances. Don’t be afraid of failure, they’re only lessons after all. Enjoy the process of shedding useless stuff, and accept the new, hopefully improved, you that’s along for the ride (the adder)
The final lesson, I think, is that I need to stop expecting things to happen. I need to work to make what I want happen instead of falling into a funk every time something goes awry. I have the image of my future in my head. Now I need to make the decisions and put in the work to get me there.
For a few years now I’ve tried to be something I’m not: Sensible, pragmatic… I lost my passion for art, and creating in general. I did, for a time stumble my way into writing things that weren’t enjoyable to me. They were more geared towards commercial fiction and that- that just isn’t me. I don’t like saccharine, weak willed, clichéd characters. I love writing utter bastards and bitchy cunts, more broken than whole and with chips on their shoulders so large they’re falling under the weight. I’m a genre girl- blood, guts, bad attitudes and cynicism all the way and I think I lost my love of writing when I stopped writing what I want to read (which is blisteringly obvious in hindsight, but not when you’re in the middle of a melt down that makes even your suicidal partner take a step back and tell you to chill).
I’m not sensible- not all the time. My penchant for dark, macabre things, is as strong as my love for airy fairy things. I love making a mess and then creating something out of that mess so I don’t have to clean up. I adore grim dark aesthetics as much rainbow unicorns. I’ve had amazing and meaningful conversations with close friends and strangers who’re polar opposites to me in almost everything.
I’m learning to accept that I’m a contradiction, that I’m flawed, and contrarian in nature, and that it’s all good because every person on the planet (whether they’ll admit it or not) is all of those things anyway. And who the fuck really cares? We are all going die in the end, nothing we do is lasting or forever and I think that realisation is the most freeing and life-enriching thing there is.